Response #1

Response #2

Response #3

Response #4

#1

To begin, I thought that you had a great introduction and really utilized words to add descriptive meaning and I like how you chose to admit that maybe Kazaa isn't all that bad, and maybe you could even learn to like it as you observed its ability to obtain music easily. Keep up the use of descriptive language and referral back to past statements from your first paper to tie your newly acquired feelings in. In the second paragraph, you said your roomie was using AudioGalaxy, not Kazza, but in the opening paragraph you stated, "As I watched the hundreds of songs roll down the screen as my roommate searched for the final song to add to her playlist, I was overwhelmed by how cool this technology was... after seeing what Kazaa could do," and I am left a little confused. Was she using both technologies at the same time because it sounds like she quit using Kazaa? After that though, I thought you ended your second paragraph very strong and with, "the large bright colored letters that stated 100% virus free." Again, flashing back to information from your original positioning paper really draws the reader in. The third paragraph does a good job illustrating exactly what it is that Kazaa has on the downside, and some of its potential risks. Jumping ahead, the fifth paragraph laid great claims to your assumption that maybe people don't know that piracy is wrong, or don't even know what it is to know that it is a bad thing. From the fourth paragraph, good job in keeping a neutral stance on the matter and not trying to intimidate or fluster the observed into panic. The next paragraph brought a knowledgeable source into the picture and made me feel almost as saying, `Whatever he thinks is feels is the right thing is what I'll go with.' Paragraph six helps the reader to understand exactly how much devotion to music the observed has the following paragraph brings up and excellent point as to how he uses Kazaa to preview CD's. I found this interesting and would even be more interested in other ways besides music downloading that Kazaa is used? Can people place there old term paper on Kazaa to be downloaded, can outsiders access financial statements or other personal documents and download them without the owners consent? Thinking back, did your boyfriend say whether or not he had used this software for anything besides music? Finally, good conclusion and I especially liked how you left the reader stumped with the questions at the end... it made me think more after I put the paper down than I did while reading the paper. Also, try to find one more person that you could possibly interview to give you a little more info for four full pages.

#2

Thesis:

I definitely think you have a good basic start for your thesis. Since you mentioned wanting to improve it, I would say what might work best is trying to quickly explain the major reasons that have led you to conclude garners have more fun when playing with others but are more relaxed when alone. For example "Upon observing garners playing alone, playing with others, and ... it seems that...". This cause-and-effect format will also naturally guide organization for your paper.

Organization:

I think your paper was very well-organized and easy to follow. My main comment would be that it actually goes in the opposite order that you used in your thesis (your thesis named groups and then individuals, your paragraphs followed individuals then groups). Also, as I said above, if you include the reasons for your claim in your thesis, this will help set up a natural order for you to follow in the body of your essay.

Analysis/Interpretation:

I think you did an excellent job with analysis/interpretation of your observations. One of the reasons for this is that you actually asked the people you were observing why they did certain things and then were able to include it in your paper- obviously that gives your interpretations an advantage. There are, however, a few instances where you go back and forth (it may be this or it might be that), and it weakens the claim you made in the beginning of the paper.

Description:

You did a great job describing the players and the games themselves, helping me (a video game non-player) to understand the general concept of what you were writing about. I think this will be beneficial to a lot of your readers. You didn't describe the space in which they were playing very much, though, and that might be interesting to look at, seeing how it probably differs greatly from one player to a group of people gaming together.

#3

The overall general organization of your paper was well thought out. I am thinking that your thesis is "It is not just the fact that there is a video game console present that matters but everything else that exists around it. For the environment that is created by those that play video games is also important." I think that that is your thesis because throughout your paper you expand on that by using your friend dorm room as your field site. Within that site you also explain in detail how the room itself is an environment that exist around some high technologies. You do have a lot of evidence to support your claims because fist you know the people who you were observing so you were able to give a lot more claims and detail. I was just wondering if this was the only place you observed? If so, that's okay because it was well described throughout your paper. If not, did you observe other places? I wonder if you would have observed somewhere or someone differently how would it have turned out and would your observations be the same. Your sentence structure was okay also. Since you did just focus on the one dorm room there where no descriptions that weren't unnecessary because you describe objects in the room pertaining to the video game setup. Overall I think your paper was interesting. It reminded me of the time I use to live in the dorm room and would walk pass and see such rooms made up like you described and I would also wonder why and how they got work done. By your paper being relatable to the reader I think is good. I know the assignment you could have studied just one site but how would your perception be if you were able to observe a dorm room where females and males had such technologies as video games? Just a thought.

#4

I thought that you did a good job of thoroughly explaining the physical setting of where one might play the X-Box. You went into great detail about the lighting and noise level in the two different settings you described (the dorm room and student lounge.) I think in your final draft it may be a good idea to try not to describe those things in too much detail because I feel that there are a few other aspects that you could go into.

It seemed like you described the physical aspects in great detail, but left out details about the way people interacted in the setting. Maybe you could try to observe the way people treat each other when playing. Do they socialize and talk about things in their personal lives, or do they talk about the game they're playing, or just sit in silence? Do you think the two different settings you described had a major influence on the way students interacted. For instance, in a dorm room, did it seem like the people who were playing were friends and sometimes people playing in the lounges were strangers? Also, I have heard that sometimes people have X-Box tournaments in the student lounges. Maybe you could look into that and analyze the way the X-Box has created a new reason for a social gathering. I thought the paper flowed well and the it was organized in a very coherent way.

I was also left wondering what the thesis of the paper was. From what I understand the thesis was about the relationship between the television and the X-Box. The paper guidelines said to focus on one artifact, so was the television the artifact?

I think that maybe you could try to describe the X-Box itself more. What is it's physical appearance? What are the X-Box games like? Maybe you could discuss the technological advancement of the X-Box from older game system and describe how the graphics and sound affects are so much better.